She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
