If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
