You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
