I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
