got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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