Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
