Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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