my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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