The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
