You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
