No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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