How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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