I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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