can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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