Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
