why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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