Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
