I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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