ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
