just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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