I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
