We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
