FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
