I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
