Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
