We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
