Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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