why do cheetos always look like penises
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
