I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
