There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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