I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
