So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
