Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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