Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
