I wish my penis had an off switch
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
