It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
