Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
