Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You made out with two different species that night
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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