Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
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Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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