Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
