i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
