Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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