I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
