if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
