somebody snuck up and got me drunk
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize