NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
