you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
