I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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