I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name