He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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