I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.