the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's shark week go big or go home
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.