Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
