Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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