The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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