meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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