and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
