Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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