For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
